This is who I really am.

I would like to cuddle with someone.

I would like to kiss someone.

I would like to hold hands with someone.

I’m really excited for a day when I get to do those things. I’m also excited to be a mommy someday. 

Dear Future Girlfriend,

notestomyfuturegirlfriend:

Please remember to grace the world with your beautiful smile. I can’t wait to make you smile and light up the world around us. I look forward to the day we wake up next to one another and smile because we are happy. I want to make you happy. I want to make you feel beautiful even on days you don’t think you are. No matter what happens, I will always think you are breathtakingly beautiful.

Love,

Me

Oh my god this is so sweet.

boys

so Caleb and I broke up. 

I should have been a better girlfriend. I shouldn’t have felt like my parents would be mad and stuff. I dont know.

He got busy and stopped talking to me. And after a few weeks he finally told me he didn’t want to be together.

Long distance sucks. A lot.

He told me a few days ago when he was just seeing how I was, and telling me not to be mean to myself, that he still thinks I’m beautiful, inside and out.

It surprised me how much that meant to me. His opinion of me still really matters. I miss him. But I’ve been trying to imagine myself with someone else. I deserve to not be alone and to be supported in what I do. I keep comparing everyone to him though. Which is annoying. I want to be with someone else. I need to be. I want something that isn’t long distance either. I’m sick of that. I want to hold hands, and go on real dates, and actually cuddle and sleep next to each other. I really do want that. Someday I guess.

I dunno.

I feel like a pretty strong person most of the time.

- I feel pretty healthy: I work out and eat well
- I’m doing well in school, I have a 3.767 gpa right now
- I’m doing a teaching internship
- I’m applying for scholarships
- I’m getting a(nother) job soon
- I work for housing at my school and I work really hard at it
- I’m in a peer mentoring group that’s a lot of work but pretty good
- I’m the organizer of Invisible Children at my school
- I’ve been working on my style-ishness lol
- I have a lot of acquaintances, but a good group of really close friends. 

I plan to continue to work really hard always, just as my parents have taught me to. I’m reaching high and doing all I can to be kick butt.

People always tell me that I’m really nice, which is something I’m proud of.

I just wish I wasn’t one of the last of my friends to be single. I mean, I love that my friends are so happy. And I love to be there for them when things get tough or they need someone to talk to about their relationship. I love being supportive of them. It’d be nice for it to be the other way around though. For me to talk to them about my boyfriend (which I did with jon, and caleb. But it’s a bit different since they dont know them and we were long distance and stuff). To go on double dates. To hold hands as we walked somewhere and I wouldn’t feel like an awkward loser. I wish someone supported the things I do, the events I put on. My friends do that, but just in a different way that a significant other probably would. I want to be really special to someone.

I’m 19, and I’ve never been kissed,held hands, been asked on a date in real life, been asked to a dance, been asked to dance. I’ve never had someone like me a lot. Nothing. 

Maybe 19 will be the year that changes. Who knows. 

New Month, New Goals

I’ve been working out a lot.
However, I’m going to kick it up a notch. I’ve been ramping up to this so I’m sooo ready. 

Losing weight and keeping it off is a struggle. But I know I can do it.

So

Caleb broke up with me again. He got another job and is working 60-70 hours a week. Doesn’t have the time for me or anyone anymore. He broke u with me over TEXT. For the second time. Like, if you’re going to do that at least freaking give me a damn phone call.

I miss him dearly. But I’m realizing that if someone really loved me they wouldn’t hurt me. Especially twice. And they wouldn’t end things the way he did… I’ve been asking for him to call for weeks now, but no.

So i’m working on getting over that. I talked to Jon a few days ago. More than I have in months… that was okay.

I’ve been terrible since being home. I have gone on a run a couple of times though.

Jason and I have been talking though. Idk.

sdflnsdljfnd

idk.

i’m sleepy

time for bed, early dentist appt in the morning.

i miss you.

you were, and are, one of my best friends. I could tell you anything and everything. I could talk to you without feeling judged or anything like that. you supported me, cared for me and always knew how to put a smile on my face.

I know this is what’s best for you. I want you to be happy. After all that you’ve done for me, I should be happy to do this for you. I should be okay with you not having any time at all to talk to me. I wish it was different, but if this is what makes you happy I wont stop you.

but damn do i miss you. I miss your voice and your smile. I miss your laugh and your humor. you made life so much easier, Caleb. but maybe someday we’ll get back to being best friends.

life updates…

• I think I may be lactose intolerant :( So I’m cutting back on it
• my healthy eating habits have been doing pretty well
• I feel pretty good about my body more days out of the week than I did before
• I’m almost done with classes…but not quite there yet. I cannot wait for spring break. 2 weeks.
• boy stuff:

okay so J, the guy from my enlish calss that is a little too…touchy, has seemed to back down.

Caleb has been strange lately. He hardly talks to me/desires to talk to me or to skype with me. It bothers me. But I don’t want to seem needy and ask him about it. I just want to have a real relationship. Like talk everyday. It feels like I have to initiate everything with phone calls/skype and half the time when I ask he doesn’t want to.

meh.

So,

I’ve gone to the gym 3 days in a row! Finally back on track. I’m planning on going to the gym everyday for an hour. I like to do 45 minutes of cardio (30 min) and 25ish minutes of weight training. I feel so much better when I work out. I enjoy being sore because that means I’m getting stronger and stronger!

Diet wise, I’m trying my best to be processed free. I started this two days ago, and it’s been okay. It helps me keep my bread intake and sugar intake down a lot, just by being more conscious of it.

However, tonight I went out with friends and I had a veggie burger (it had mayo on it) AND fries… I’m really disappointed in myself for that, but I’m going to just continue trying to do better.

I did, however, run for 3 minutes straight today. I haven’t done that in a long time! I couldn’t for years it seemed because of my knees. And then my back. But neither my knees or back hurt when running! It was amazing! And I’m really happy that my endurance is kicking it. I’m going to keep working on it. BUUUUT, my legs do seem to have  lot more definition now! I’m trying to work more on my core with the weight training. But it is exciting to have uscle definition in my legs.

I don’t know when I’ll reach my goal weight… but I’m going to just keep at this. I want to be more healthy overall. So I’m trying my best to focus on that rather than getting stressed about my weight. It’s one day at a time, one pound at a time.

I can do this.